I have tried, and failed, at eating like a Brit. Over the past month I have done a field study on the way British people eat. I only did this because before we moved here I was told that Brits use their knife and fork differently. I should have started studying and practicing then, but alas, I was far too busy still trying to get the hang of using chopsticks.

Through my highly scientific observations I have discerned that British people exclusively eat with their fork in the left hand and their knife in the right hand. The knife is used to pile food onto the fork which is hump-side up. Americans, on the other hand, use their fork in whatever hand is dominant and more as a pitchfork (God, we are such Neanderthals). I would say that knives are not as commonplace, and many meals go without.

Eating in a posh, British manner is much more difficult than it sounds especially because I’m a righty. All I have really managed to do is get food all over myself at just about every meal. Most recently I launched a saucy piece of carrot onto my jacket which wouldn’t be terribly surprising except for the fact it was hanging on the chair, behind me. The girls are doing a bit better but that’s mostly due to the fact they are both lefties. Marcus, who is also a righty, is also doing better than I am though maybe that’s from having to learn dinning etiquette in his Navy Officer training.

I guess I’ll just have to stick to eating in an uncouth manner, with my stabby pitchfork of a fork and my finger to help push around the remaining food. My plan to assimilate has been thwarted already.