This is less a “How To…” and more a cautionary tale. In November, we were tricked into getting a puppy by the 12-year-old and a very compelling Power Point presentation assuring us she would be the best dog mom on Earth. Obviously, she was lying but, as many schmucks parents have before us, we fell for the propaganda and brought home Winnie, a Flat Coated Retriever. The first few weeks with her were absolute chaos and the 12-year-old quickly realized that puppies are A LOT OF WORK and she’d much rather be present for when the dog is feeling cuddly so, like, for one hour in the evening.

Bringing home a new puppy was bittersweet, especially as our home goods arrived and I unpacked a box of toys and things that had belonged to Axel, our previous beautiful boy. Given the untimely and distressing way Axel passed, I have some trauma and I move through the days assuming Winnie will also die prematurely which makes for fun, laid-back days.

Aside from trying to keep-up with the day-to-day duties of being a mother and an unemployed, high-society London wife, I’m trying to mold a puppy into a peaceful member of society which is really, really difficult and I blame that on the English. English dogs are so well-behaved and socialized that the pressure is on and every day is filled with training and walks and exercises in patience for both Winnie and me.

England is incredibly dog friendly and everywhere you look there are dogs. Dogs are allowed on the Tube, trains, in pubs, restaurants, stores, plus all the places one would normally find a dog. On top of all that, there is not a leash law so it’s quite common to see dogs off-leash. This isn’t to say that dogs are simply roaming the streets but instead are frequently seen trotting alongside their owners who, for the most part, have full control of them even without a leash. I should say that, while there is not a leash law, there are times when your dog must be leashed such as when near livestock, horseback riders, etc. England has also banned the use of electric collars and fences for use with dogs which I thought was interesting.

To say that training is an uphill battle is an understatement and I feel as if I’m disrupting the tranquility of the town we live in. If the neighbors don’t know me, they certainly know the sound of my voice (and the name of the dog) as we slowly make our way on walks. We usually start off promisingly but, at some point, that fizzles out and what starts off as a small, gentle “winnie,” quickly escalates to a full blown “WIN-EE!” in my vain attempts to get her to either continue walking, or not try and get pets from all of the people, or ignore other dogs, or ignore pretty much anything, or not eat all of the things in the road, or not drink the dirty ditch water. My brain is firing at 1000% on our walks and it’s exhausting.

The other day, on one of our much longer than it should be walks, I met a person who said he wished people would greet each other the way dogs do. Which either means he wished we would sniff each other’s butts or that he wished we would all be so excited to meet each other. I assume it’s the latter.

To give you an idea of what it might be like if we greeted each other as dogs greet people, I invite you to put yourself in Winnie’s shoes paws. When first meeting a stranger (or for her, a friend you haven’t met), you first start by staring at them with great intensity. Once they get that uncomfortable sensation of being stared at, and the person makes eye contact with you, your entire body starts to convulse as your butt becomes uncontrollably wiggly. By this point, some other, annoying person starts to tug at you and tells you to “move on” but you cannot. Instead, you sit and refuse to budge as you compel the stranger to come to you and give you pets. This method is about 90% effective in making new friends. The other 10% of the time leaves you in utter shock and disbelief that the strangers did not want to give you pets, and you watch them walk away.

It’s through this method that Winnie and I have met just about every, single 8.45k persons in this town. Although, Winnie knows them better than I do because a couple times now, people have stopped to give Winnie pets and make conversation with her. I do not remember meeting them but, in fairness, I too rarely remember a person but will always remember a dog.